The Depression that is Rossview

The Rossview Speech Tournament must go down in the books as one of the worst tournaments ever. It is cursed. Last year, we found out a dear friend died while at the tournament, and this year a epileptic participant had a seizure during Finals. It also seems to suck everyone’s soul out. Both last year and this year where characterized by exhaustedness and depression in general. I don’t know, maybe it was just me.

For my part, I know I was exhausted. I managed to get only 4 hours of sleep the night before. I also didn’t know my piece very well, which also added stress (my fault, I know, but I had about 3 other large projects due at school and I have considerable skills of procrastination. But seriously, it did contribute to the overall almost-headacheness-but-not-really feeling of the day.). I did really, really, really, really, really crappy on my DI, and I even screwed up my OO, even though I have preformed it bookooz of times. (Is bookooz a real word? Probably not.) I broke in OO, how I don’t know, and got sixth. I guess that is not bad, but the happy of that was completely ruined by my lethargic attitude of the moment, caused principally by one thing that set my thoughts in a really bad direction.

I had been talking to someone (I’m keeping names out of this.) and they said something in the conversation that I am ashamed to say affected me all the way home. They didn’t have to say it at all. There was really no point in it, and they should have been able to conjecture how I would feel about it. I really don’t see why they would say it at all, except to cause me pain and to throw it in my face, but the way they said it was so conversational and offhand that I have no real reason to be mad at them, not that I like being mad at people anyway. Anyone who knows me would realize that I don’t get really angry often, and if I do, it subsides fairly quickly (with occasional relapses; it’s the price of burring your feelings which I do on some subjects). Even if I am ill with someone, I am not likely to show it to anybody, because I am aware that I will get over it quickly and there is no sense in making any drama over it. So I’m not mad (mostly), and I will continue being friendly with them. I think it might be possible that they didn’t mean it like that. They don’t know me that well and may not realize much it would hurt me (sometimes I think nobody realizes… then sometimes I think I am an open book… I think too much.) , and being angry over nothing is stupid. The really bad thing about it is, what they told me not only depressed me of itself, but set my thoughts along a path as so to spiral down into the depths of despair. I tried to shake it off, but failed miserably; ah, such is life.

I thought about my life, and how sometimes (especially right then) I felt so lonely, like nobody realized anything about me or understood me at all. I thought about how I am such a boring person, Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes with a bland personality and looks that can be easily passed over. I am in no way extraordinary, but neither am I normal. I’m just your average nut case drifting in a world of goose feathers and “Fast Break Reeses Candy”.

I thought about other people, and how they completely outstrip me in personality and sociability. I have to make a great effort to have fun in groups, and it is near impossible if there are any people I am not familiar with in the group. I am an observer by nature, and I enjoy it sometimes, but every person needs to go out and goof off with friends. It would seem easy, but it is like pulling teeth to me. Only by determination and time have I improved from the dusty book hiding in the corner that I used to be.

Have you ever been on the verge of crying, and want to cry so bad so you can just get it out of you, but you can't? All the pain just keeps burning your insides up and there is nothing you can do about it because the tears just won't flow. I think my problem is that I think too much. I analyze everything, even when I am depressed. I analyze myself. I know exactly why I am depressed, what causes it, and what I need to do to make myself feel better. But I can't ever do it. I resolve not to think about it, but I can never hold such a resolution. I can never cry, because I am always trying to reason myself to happiness, allowing my emoitons enough brain power to make myself miserable and lethargic, but not enough to make my pain show through dampness on my cheeks.

Perhaps everyone feels this way sometimes. I am inclined to think they do. If you identify with what I am talking about, the next time you feel like someone took your confidence and used it for washing dirty dishes, just remember that you are not alone. There are people out there who do know. Take comfort in that if you can.




P.S.
By the way, Mary Beef, the highlight of my day was you teaching me the Charleston. You rock in such a way that there are no words to express it except…………………. Great Googamoogam!